If you’ve ever played the original 1994 X-COM: UFO Defense, you know the drill: Earth is being invaded, you’re the commander of a global defense force, and you spend your time nervously watching a Geoscape for little green men while praying your rookies don’t panic and shoot each other. It’s a classic. But what if the aliens won? What if they didn’t just win, but they turned Earth into a backwater, corporate-run garbage dump for two hundred years? And what if, instead of being a high-tech soldier, you were a mutant pirate in a bikini with a battle-axe?
Welcome to X-Piratez.
X-Piratez is a total conversion mod for OpenXcom (the open-source engine for the original game), and calling it a “mod” feels like calling the Pacific Ocean a “puddle.” Created by the developer Dioxine, it is a sprawling, 500-plus-hour epic that takes every mechanic of the original game, sets it on fire, and rebuilds it into a neon-soaked, grindhouse-inspired masterpiece.
The Reverse-XCOM Experience
In most X-COM games, you are the status quo. You are the government, the law, and the “good guys.” In X-Piratez, you are the underdog. Specifically, you are the leader of a gang of Mutant Gals—rebellious, Amazonian women surviving on a ruined Earth. You don’t have a budget from the UN. You don’t have a high-tech lab. You have a basement, some booze, and a bunch of rusty knives.
The game flips the script on the “intercept” loop. Instead of shooting down UFOs to save a city, you’re shooting down civilian luxury liners to steal their cargo. You are raiding corporate warehouses for “booty” (the game’s currency) and capturing “vips” to sell back to their families or ransom to the government. It’s a cynical, hilarious, and incredibly refreshing take on the tactical strategy genre.
The Aesthetic: 80s Pulp Meets Mad Max
Let’s address the elephant in the room: X-Piratez is famous for its NSFW elements. It draws heavily from 70s and 80s adult underground comics, Mad Max, and Heavy Metal magazine. There’s pin-up art, edgy humor, and a lot of scantily clad mutants. For some, it’s a bit much; for others, it’s part of the mod’s specific “grindhouse” charm.
However, if you look past the provocative surface, you find a world with incredible environmental storytelling. The Earth of X-Piratez is populated by a dizzying array of factions: the Church of Sirius (alien worshippers), Exalt (the alien-aligned police force), the Academy (corrupt scientists), and various rival gangs and monster-infested ruins. Every mission feels like it’s taking place in a living, breathing, and very dangerous world.
A Tech Tree That Will Melt Your Brain
If you love complex strategy, the research system in X-Piratez is your new obsession. In the original X-COM, the tech tree was a straight line: Laser Weapons -> Plasma Weapons -> Win Game. In X-Piratez, the tech tree is a jungle.
You don’t just “research” things; you discover them. You might find an old magazine that teaches you how to make better Molotov cocktails. You might capture an Academy doctor who explains how to perform surgery. You have to balance researching better weapons with researching better ways to brew moonshine (to keep your pirates happy) or figuring out how to fix an old hover-car you found in a junkyard.
There are thousands of items, and the sheer variety of playstyles is staggering. Do you want to focus on high-tech lasers? Or do you want to lean into “Voodoo” and psionics? Or maybe you just want to arm everyone with massive hammers and see how many aliens you can squash? All are viable, but all require a massive amount of planning.
Tactical Depth: Melee, Morale, and Mayhem
Tactically, X-Piratez is significantly more complex than its predecessor. One of the biggest shifts is the emphasis on melee combat. Because ammo is expensive and guns are loud (attracting the authorities), sneaking up on a guard and knocking them out with a blackjack is often the better move.
The mod also introduces a “Freshness” system—basically a stamina bar. Your gals can’t sprint across a map and swing a heavy sword forever; they get tired. You have to manage their energy, their morale, and even their “vibe.” If a mission goes south and your pirates see their friends get hurt, they won’t just panic—they might go into a berserk rage or fall into a deep depression that lasts for weeks of game time.
The Long Game
X-Piratez is not a game you finish in a weekend. It is a saga. You will start by raiding local farms for cattle and end by taking the fight to the “Star Gods” in orbit. Along the way, you will build multiple bases, manage a fleet of hijacked ships, and navigate a political landscape where everyone wants you dead.
It is a game that rewards patience and “losing well.” You will lose mutants you’ve spent 40 hours training. You will have your main base raided by a fleet of angry “Enforcer” ships. But when you finally manage to steal a high-tech plasma rifle from a corporate executive and figure out how to recharge the battery? That feeling of progression is more satisfying than almost any other strategy game on the market.
Closing Thoughts
X-Piratez isn’t just a mod; it’s a labor of love that has been in development for nearly a decade. It’s weird, it’s crude, it’s incredibly difficult, and it is arguably one of the most mechanically deep tactical games ever made. If you can handle the “pirate” attitude and the steep learning curve, you’ll find a game that offers a level of freedom and emergent storytelling that modern AAA titles can only dream of.
Just remember: always bring a smoke grenade, never trust a guy in a suit, and if you see a “Reaper,” run.
